Should I keep the job?

Many of you know I started working again a few months ago. What was supposed to be a part time gig, turned into full time. (Already) I knew it was going to happen, but I didn’t think it would be this soon.

I’m struggling big time. I’m so torn between keeping the job, friends, and money I’ve earned and missing my kids and letting the house go to shit. Please don’t get me wrong, Tyler has stepped up in a big way. He started cooking and cleaning up, it’s been a really nice break. But…

I miss cooking for my family. I miss yelling at them to eat dinner and I miss seeing them. Half the time I only see them for a very short time in the morning. I pick them up from school on my lunch break, and by the time I’m home, they are in bed.

This last week was especially hard. I missed Halloween and wasn’t able to keep my Sunday off. I didn’t even get to see them in the costumes I was able to buy them this year. I missed trick or treating, the school parade and them most of all.

The Sunday’s off is a whole other story. When I got the job, that was my only request, Sundays off. It’s my family day. A day I get to bond with my husband and relax. I don’t have to drop off and pick anyone up, we do birthday parties and Sunday dinners. And now it’s “mandatory” for everyone to work? I just don’t know if it’s worth it anymore.

The Phoenix?

As many of you know, my life has changed quite a bit in the last few months. I have changed and I keep working to stay changed. I don’t want to fall back on the familiar, old habits. By this I mean; not saying what needs to be said, hiding, or running away.

My depression came back on Sunday (it was a justified return) but I fell back into the sadness and helpless feeling. I wanted to rise above it, immediately, but the struggle was real.

I can’t change the way others see me, but I can rise up. The problem was, I didn’t do that, I saw the way others saw me and my depression used that as fuel. In the spirit of breaking old habits, it only took me 5 days to get out. Theresa from 6 months ago, might never have gotten out of that.

I decided to be the Phoenix. To rise from the ashes of my own self pity, loathing, and hate. To turn my thinking around. Self love and admiration. I can do anything! I carried 5 kids in my body. I almost destroyed my marriage, only to turn around and rebuild it (together), Stronger and healthier. So, yes, they brought me down for a moment, but I’m coming back stronger than I was.

Hopefully soon, I’ll be getting the tattoo of the Phoenix I’ve become. I want to name this idea of me. This person I know I can become. To not fall back into my old ways, but instead rise up.

I know this was kind of a random post, but I needed to say it. Thank you for reading today and may the Force be with you (and me) always!

Still Looking for Balance

This week I’m working 2 overnight shifts. I really don’t want too. I find it very hard to tell my managers no. They know I’m a hard worker and can get the job done, without being micro managed. This usually means I get stuck doing a lot of hard tasks. I’m not complaining about doing the work, and I understand how much easier it is to do the job when the store is closed. Now having said all this, it SUCKS!

I miss sleeping with my husband at night and playing with my kids during the day. I’m exhausted. Going from a stay at home mom to an almost full time employee has been a rough transition. For everyone.

I miss cooking for my family. I miss putting them to bed, and I miss the “fun” 😉 time with my husband. After an 8 hour, overnight shift, I find my patience to be nonexistent. Probably because I’m so tired I can barely stand.

So here I am. Having the freedom of my own spending money and not having the time or energy to spend it on myself. Not being able to hang out with my kids and husband. The hardest part of the day is when he comes home from work and I immediately have to leave for mine. Or, like tomorrow, as soon as I get home, he has to leave. It’s rough on our marriage. I could start working during the same hours as him, but then we have to pay for daycare, and how wants to do that?

I’m stubborn and I’m going to make this work. I’m hoping you get the backroom cleaned out tonight so I don’t have to do another overnight. I think we can, and I’m hell bent on making it happen so I don’t fight with my husband or myself again. So that I can get back to a normal human being schedule. So, yea, I’ll get it all cleaned up and back on track. That means my marriage, family life, and the store’s backroom!

Thanks for reading today, I hope you have an awesome day!

The End of Naptime?

So today, like everyday, I put the twins down for their nap. Today, unlike every other day, they climbed out of their cribs’ and commenced to fucking my shit up. During nap time I (used to) hang out outside and smoke, probably have a beer, and play on my phone. It was my “break time”. I suppose that’s over now.

My sister came over and we were just hanging out outside, shooting shit, and then we started to hear the beeping noise from a Laser X game. (Laser X is a laser tag game at home.) We followed the beeping, and found the twins on the top bunk bed.

So I know you’re asking yourself the same question I did and asked my 2 1/2 year old and expected an answer. “What is all over your face?” Is it poop, marker, WTF is it? After a smell test, I determined it wasn’t poop, or chocolate. We looked everywhere for a brown marker and found nothing. We asked Anthony (coincidentally, the Patron Saint of Lost Items) where the marker is. He runs into my master bathroom and hands us the most expensive piece of make up I own. It was a Maybelline cream eyeliner. So my sister turns to me and says, “Maybe it’s Maybelline.” I laughed but I’m still upset that they learned how to escape.

They are soooo SMART! They knew to stay in the back half of the house, in order to avoid detection. I never had this problem with my older boys! They never climbed out of the crib. I think the twins just play off each other and conspire against me and my hubby. I KNOW they do. They are always talking and then the next moment, they are dumping spices all over the kitchen floor. Or dropping baseballs on peoples feet. THEY ARE THE WORST! I love them with all my heart, but they are terrible children! We call my daughter the honey badger. Honey Badger, gives no shits!

In the last hour, I’ve put them back into their beds 4 times and I don’t think they are going to nap. I have to go to work soon and my poor mother is going to have to watch the terrorists for a little while, without a nap. I want to give up and just let them take over, even more than they already have. Moms don’t quit!

I hope I can laugh about this in a few years and I hope you laughed. Thanks for reading today, I hope you have a great day!

Balance?

I recently re-entered the workforce. I started to work part time again at yet another grocery store. What can I say, I’m really good at it and enjoy the physical nature of the job. I don’t necessarily “need” the job, but I definitely needed the break from the monotony  of being a stay at home mom.

Don’t get me wrong, being a SAHM was rewarding, at times, but I’m too restless to do it. I did it for three years. I learned how much stress and energy I put into the “job”. The REALLY long hours and zero pay. It wasn’t satisfying my needs as a person. I hardly ever left my house, started drinking too much, and was getting really depressed.

I needed a/to change. That’s part of what the Epic Fuck-up was about. Everyone kept telling me to change those things, but I wasn’t listening. So know I’m owning it and working my ass off to make it better. I owe my parents quite a bit of money that I’m slowly chipping away at.

I’m still trying to find the balance between work and family. The shift I work is a closing shift, so hubby is in charge of dinner most nights. I do try to help as much as I can; I prep dinner and do step by step directions some nights, or crockpot meals, and some days, it’s all him. He has stepped up a great deal and I’m extremely grateful for the help. He always makes me a plate. ❤️

I am struggling with the fact that I’m not putting the kids to bed and eating dinner with them. I went from seeing them every minute of everyday to only seeing them in the mornings.

Hubby and I don’t get a lot of time together either. He stays up late with me after work (later than he should) and I’ve been trying to wake up with him in the morning. Some days we get a 15 minute “huddle” in between shifts. It’s getting harder and harder to see each other so little, but we are trying to find the balance.

Since I’ve started working again, I get to have adult conversations everyday and my own money. It’s a feeling I forgot about. The feeling of being useful to myself. I’m still trying to find the balance of housework and work load, but I’ll get there.

It took me two days to write this because I had to go to work. Haha! Thanks for reading today and I hope you have an awesome day!!

What lesson did you learn?

This is my very public affirmation and apology. I’m not going into the details because they are truly distasteful and disgusting actions on my part. The people this is truly for will know them. And I really hope the people who need this, read it.

So here’s the deal. Three months ago I made a REALLY BAD decision. I wouldn’t listen to anyone, not even my own gut. And, for a minute, it cost me everything. I hit rock bottom. And it hit me hard. I was only there for a day. Got really drunk, blamed others for my actions.

And then, I decided to rise from the ashes and become a stronger person. I had to forgive myself before I could ask others to forgive me. I had to learn the lesson.  That meant I had to own the fuck up. So I did. I recognized that I hurt so many people with what I did. I decided not to play the victim (I had every right too) but to play healer instead. I turned the negative into a positive.

I had to heal myself and make myself strong. And that’s exactly what I’m doing. And don’t get me wrong, I’m not done yet, but I have changed. I came to the realization that all of this fuck up would’ve been avoided if I spoke up. And actually said what was bothering me instead of avoiding the feelings and confrontations. I was hiding from everything.

No more hiding, no more lies, NO MORE!

I learned that trust needs to be earned not spoken. Another lie that I bought into. Another lesson learned. I was being so stubborn towards what everyone was telling me. I felt like everyone in my life didn’t want to see me happy. I turned that around and realized they were trying to keep me a float. I was drowning in my own thoughts of misery and self loathing. They were what stood between me and rock bottom. When I finally pushed them to the point that they let me fall.

Thank you for letting me fall. I truly mean that. If you kept holding me up, I would’ve never been able to pull and drag myself to this point. I am sorry about how it all went down, but I guess God or the universe or my stubborn ass, needed the biggest failure. I was reborn from the ashes that I created and I’m going to spend the rest of my days healing everyone I’ve hurt.

Now, until now I’ve been cryptic about what happened and I still will be, to a point. I pushed my husband to a broken heart. I hurt him, I didn’t think he loved me because I didn’t love me. I realized he was carrying me, when I thought he was holding me down. Now I want him by my side. I need him by my SIDE. Partners. TNT! And until he is fully whole, I will carry him there. And give him the time to heal. We are going to get counseling, and we are coming out of this hole much stronger, together.

It wasn’t, at all, right what I did. I can’t even justify my actions, except I was being SELFISH. I thought I knew better than everyone I loved. I was wrong and I fucked up. I can’t control what I did, I can only control what I do now. And now, I’m trying to heal the wounds and learn the lessons. Lessons were learned and I’m still healing wounds.

I turned the stubborn that I used against my loved ones inward. What’s that mean? I’m holding myself responsible for the actions and plans that I say I’m doing. My husband and I are talking about everything, even the yucky stuff. And even the yucky stuff needs to be said, another lesson learned.

I’m still learning patience, with myself and everyone. I’m learning not to beat myself up so much. That has proven to be harder than I thought. I still am beating myself up, it’s much better. I’m not wallowing in what happened, that’s a pretty decent start.

I keep telling myself and my husband, all these things, everyday. And know I’m telling you. Hold me accountable for what I’m trying to do, and am doing. I really hope the people I hurt read this and understand that I’ve changed. This is the least invasive way to start your healing process. Know that I will be here when YOU are ready. Please forgive me and know that I will NEVER fuck up like this ever again. I can’t because I’m stubborn for the right reasons now.

Without knowing the whole story, or me personally, I really hope if you read this and it helped, even an iota. That I helped heal you too.

 

Who runs your house?

I would love to sit here and blow the same smoke up your ass that I do mine everyday but, I don’t run my house. I tell myself I do, and it looks like I do. I mean, I do all the shopping, cleaning, cooking, and management of the house but I don’t run it.

I’ll tell you who does run my house, My Kids!

They are the reason I wake up in the morning, and not the “oh, how sweet” crap. The time. I set alarms when my kids have school, I rarely hear them because my twins wake up before that. They also don’t let me sleep through the night, or nap. So they rule my sleep schedule.

I’m also a smoker. I don’t smoke in the house, so I have to go outside. It’s a nice little five minute break, right? No… They are at the window banging on it and asking me questions I can’t hear. Today, I looked up and the twins were butt naked. In three minutes! It seems like every time I take a five minute break, I come back into a huge mess of some kind. And no, I’m not going to quit, so save your breathe.

“Oh, Mama, did you need to take a poop? Lemme help you!” Contrary to popular belief, I can do that by myself. By the way if you leave your phone, I’ll throw it. Drink will be spilled and the remote will be missing! Yay, pee breaks.

“Were you trying to watch this movie, Mama? Let me make as much noise as possible until you pause it. When you pause it, I will be quiet, I promise.” Four hours later, I’ve finished a 2 1/2 hour movie. Meanwhile, I watched 3 hours of Paw Patrol before I started my movie.

I have to inform guests to keep all their shit with them, or put it up high, because my twins will go through your shit. Now, I don’t really care, but I’m sure you do. They stole a gift card out of my sister’s purse a while ago and I happened to find it. (I gave it back, not my style of store.)

Last night, I was getting ready to take a nice hot bubble bath. The tub was almost full and I was getting a towel. I glanced into the twins room, and there was Anthony, butt naked and shit all over the floor. Of course he pooped into a brand new diaper, took his pajamas off, and threw everything on the floor. So I cleaned it up while my bath got cold.

“Did you want this nice (fill in the blank), Mama?” Too Bad!

My older boys are on spring break this week, and maybe that’s part of the frustration I’m having. I’m also really tired. I will maintain the lie that I run my house, but I’m happy I realized the truth.

Too early for a beer?

So, life has been trying it’s best to break me. I’m doing my best to not let it, but it’s getting to be too much.

Examples? Sure! I have been spring cleaning like crazy lately. I really want to paint my house (give it a newer look). I accomplished the cleaning and painted my kitchen! The color is a bright mint green and my kitchen looks fresh and new, that was good. and then two days ago, my basement flooded, AGAIN! I was trying to do laundry because I didn’t while I was painting my kitchen and getting it ready. Plumbers came out, snaked the line, should’ve worked.

I didn’t feel like doing laundry yesterday, so I didn’t. This morning I put a load in the washer, went to throw it in the dryer, and BOOM! Water fucking everywhere, AGAIN! Plumber comes back out and they need to snake a different line. Now, I suppose I could’ve done the laundry and made a nasty lake for my kids in the basement. I’m pretty sure that’s a terrible idea. So I’m a week behind on the laundry for 7 people. Yay! Now I’ll have to spend the entire weekend doing laundry instead of relaxing.

Meanwhile, the twins aren’t napping as much as they used to. We were down to one, two hours nap. That was two hours that I could accomplished chores or actually hear a TV show. I have tried putting them down later in the day and that seemed to help for a while. I try to “ignore” them in the hopes that they will realize I’m not going to let them out, and they should just take a nap. Yesterday, when I finally gave up on them actually taking a nap, I went in and they didn’t have diapers on! They managed to unsnap the onesies and get them off. AWESOME! The onesies were the only thing stopping them from running around naked all day.

We have “started” the potty training learning. We have the training potties and sit on it in the mornings. They are not quite ready to actually use it all the time. They understand the idea of peeing in the potty but not when to sit on the potty. They also love to play in the toilets now, they learned how to flush them. Yay!

They also learned how to open and dump out all my spices. I had to buy more garlic salt and thyme because they dumped them all over the floor. I’m running out of places to put things where they can’t reach them. I recently put up a shelf in my living room so I had a place to put my purse and book I’m currently reading. It’s a giant book and they took out the bookmark one day, in the middle of a chapter, that I couldn’t remember which number I was on. That was a fun 30 minutes trying to find the page again.

I guess that’s just what a Mama of 2 year old twins deal with. Thanks for letting me bitch about things and reading today! Have a good one!

 

Why do I have to be the A** hole?

I don’t know where to start this. It’s been a long time since I’ve written a post. I’ve been keeping busy with all these damn kids, and they are driving me insane. No one knows how to listen anymore, maybe they never knew how to. I’m doing what I can to not raise ass holes, but that usually means I have to be one. It’s a decent trade-off for the future. I just get tired of doing it sometimes.

Today I had to wrestle my eight year old and dress him like a baby. He didn’t want to go to school. That’s his one job and he does that at least once a month. It infuriates me. He starts spring break next week and I tried to explain nicely that there were only 5 days left and then he get a whole week off. He wanted nothing to do with it. So what am I supposed to do? Give in? Let him take another day off from school? Nope, sorry kiddo, not happening. So I’m the ass hole because he had to go to school.

On top of that nonsense, the twins (2) were into everything this morning. They took a sugar bowl, full of Splenda, and dumped it into my favorite chair. I needed to get the vacuum out in order to clean it up. So I’m the ass hole because they hate the vacuum. They started to draw on the walls, with whatever they can find, including my face scrub, toothpaste, and pencils. They definitely keep me busy.

Since I share custody with the other three older boys, I’m almost always the bad guy. They get away with damn near everything at their dads’ houses. I’m the ass hole when I tell them to eat, so they don’t die. I won’t let them watch TV until 10 o’clock on a school night. Oh yea, and I make them help around the house. Worst mama, ever.

Mornings like today, ruin the rest of my day. It’s my wedding anniversary today, so I’m going to try my best to not let it ruin the day. We’ve been married 5 years, which is a record. Well, that’s all I have for today. I hope you have a great day and thanks for reading.

Why do I even try?

Today is my usual “clean the house” day. I pick up the toys that will be on the ground again 10 minutes (if I’m lucky) later. I sweep the floors so the twins can just throw their Cheerios on the ground and then stomp on them again. I fold loads and loads of laundry, only to have the clothes get thrown all over the floor, or (if I’m lucky) into the drawers where they actually go.

There are days, that I don’t try, and it shows. Toys are everywhere, no clean dishes or clothes and my kids ask why. Why? Because I didn’t feel like doing the same thing fifteen times today.

Today, I tried. I was cleaning up the kitchen and I realized the twins weren’t taking the spoons out of the dishwasher. I went to go look for them and I found them in the bathroom…putting kitty litter and a whole, almost brand new box, of tampons into the toilet.

So my kitchen is cleaned, for the most part, now. And the bathroom is a disaster. The LEGOS are, again, all over the floor.

No one ever said, “Being a stay-at-home mom is easy!” Honestly, if someone said that to me, I would probably punch them in the face and we wouldn’t be friends anymore. It is the definition of a never ending battle. Yay, I cleaned up the kitchen! Fuck, the twins got into everything else in the house. Now I have to go clean up this mess. And the next minute they are in the trash, in the kitchen, Great!

My birthday was earlier this week and I spent the day cleaning the house, shoveling the snow, and making dinner. I haven’t had a “day off” in two weeks. By “day off” I mean sleeping in, and not doing too many chores. Saturdays are my clean up days because Sundays are my “days off”. I try my best to get the house at least half decent so I can sit and read my book, or work on my crossword puzzles.

I try because I care. I try because it keeps me busy. I try because I love my family and want them to have clean clothes, a nice meal, and not to die on the insane amount of toys that end up on the floor. It’s not easy to care about all of them, the house, the chores.

Some days, I just want to stay in bed, all day. Let them figure out what to do. But I can’t, so I don’t.

Hubby is good about saying the house looks nice when he comes home from work. That helps. The boys thank me for dinner, most of the time. Samantha said she loved me after she got smacked on the hand because of the litter in the toilet and saw how upset I was.

Some days I can’t stand my life, usually on the really bad ones. Most days I love what I do for my family. After all, what would they do without me?

Thanks for reading today, and I apologize for my absence, but now you why.