Posted in Uncategorized

The Fire and the Log

I watch as the fire dances around the log. The fire ultimately will destroy the log with the heat of her dance. The log understands the fire’s need to dance, so he stays still, only to be destroyed.

The log loves the fire’s dance. He remains still, only giving an occasional pop of excitement, as the fire feeds her need. Her need to dance, to love, to envelope the log with everything she possesses.

The more she dances, the hotter it gets. The hotter it gets, the more she dances, unknowing what she is doing to the log. Her dance creeps into every crack and hole into the log’s soul. She makes the log radiate with her soul, her need for the log. The desire she feels for him burns deep within the log, the fire never notices, just continues her dance.

He is dying for her pleasure, unsure why. All he knows is the fire is beautiful while she dances around him, taking everything he can give. She doesn’t understand that the log is dying for her. The words are unspoken and the dance continues.

The dance of the fire is both beautiful and deadly. The log knows this and allows the dance to kill him, reduce him into ashes. He prays he is a Phoenix and will rise up once again, just to feel her dance again.

So she is dancing because she couldn’t do it without him. Every fire needs a log to fuel her dance, her passion, and her heart. The fire needs her log. Her port in the storm, that keeps her burning. His need is to keep her burning. The log needs to keep her dancing, warm and happy.

Without the fire the log would be cold. Yearning to be much more than simple wood. The fire completes the log, he doesn’t understand why. But the fire embraces him fully and keeps him warm. She embraces the log with her dance, her need to dance, and to be with the log.

The log and the fire’s love turns into ember, burning hot, but not as brilliantly. They know they are dying, the fire and her log. He let her dance, and paid the price. Her soul still radiating through him. The fire sparks and dances but slower now.

She realizes her dance killed him. Why did he let her do that? She never meant to kill the log, she only needed to dance and embrace her log.

Her log grew cold. She couldn’t live without him. Her dance slowed and cooled, she dies with the ashes she created. Her log.

The embers of their love, reduced to ashes. Until the last breath between the fire and the log are extinguished by time.


I know, this is not what I normally post about, but I wanted to share anyway. Thanks for reading today. I will try to go back to my normal posts soon.

Posted in Family Issues, Parenting


Summer vacation starts next week for my kiddos. (NOOOO!!) I’m really hoping I can stay sane for those three months. It’s going to be hard, but I know I’ll make it through.

WomanPullingHairout-Copy (1)I think that stay at home moms should be required to take a vacation the week before school gets out and the week school begins. I would love to take a break from my kids before I have to spend the next 3 months straight with them. Give us a little break in the hopes of keeping our sanity.

I, personally, would lay in a hammock on a beach somewhere and drink drinks with little umbrellas, and read. I would enjoy the quiet and lack of responsibilities and chores. It would probably get me through those long summer months. (Or at least most of them) I could also just get a hotel room and sleep all day, get food delivered to my room, walk around naked, and again there would be quiet.

Sadly, for me, this is only a dream. I know I won’t get my quiet vacation. Don’t get me wrong, I love hanging out with my kids, but ALL day, every day…that’s a lot. I need adult interaction or conversation.

I also have been struggling a lot with my depression. It has been really hard for me to get out of bed and take care of everyone, when I don’t want to take care of myself. I have to force my way through the day and by dinner time, I just want to go back to bed. I’m really hoping that I can keep that going through this summer. At least my anxiety has been at bay for a little bit. (Knocking on wood)

So that’s one of the reasons I haven’t posted for a while. The other reasons are; Anthony (17 months) has learned how to climb on top of the dining room table, coffee tables, opening the dishwasher, destroying everything. Oh and he learned how to get out of the baby jail I set up for them. Samantha (17 months) is almost walking. She will take a few steps and “fall” and laugh and clap. I think she can but she is lazy.

Other than the fact that they are everywhere, the twins are doing great. My four year old is driving me absolutely insane lately. And the older boys are excited about getting out of school. That’s all I have for today.

Thanks for reading!

Posted in Family Issues, Uncategorized

Why is this not a thing yet?

This weekend I went shopping, for myself! I earned a Target gift card and vowed, I would only spend it on myself. That’s exactly what I did. I bought myself some new eye liners, and nail polish, hair dye, and some other personal items. While I was there, I thought about buying a magazine that I haven’t read in years. Cosmo.

I read Cosmo all the time during my teenage years and when I was a younger woman. I realized, after reading the cover topics, I had outgrown my favorite magazine.

I have no need for “10 ways to get your man in bed” or “The truth about birth control” I started to feel really old. I was talking to a friend, recently married, and we realized there should be an alternative.

A magazine written for married and older women, with fun sex tips, but for married people. “5 fun, cheap date nights” or “How to have a quickie with kids in the house”. Other topics could be how to handle a divorce, what happens when your friends are going through a divorce.

We would also like to still have the sexy male models. But they have jobs and pay bills. Sexy, shirtless men holding babies and mopping floors. Things that grown, married women find attractive.

I really think we should make this happen! I have no idea how to start this, but I’m reaching out to this blogging community. Ladies, we can make this happen.

Thanks for reading!

Posted in Family Issues, Parenting

Take my kids to work day?

As a stay at home mama of five, I cherish the time my older boys are at school. However, today is take your kid to work day. A chance for parents to show their kids what they do all day. So as a homemaker, I decided to let my kids stay home from school today.

They are not watching TV or playing video games, they are doing my chores for the day.

Image result for spring cleaning

It’s more of an effort to make my boys self-sufficient men later in life. I’ve dated men that couldn’t do laundry or cook for themselves. Those men will not be my boys. Yes, I will still take care of them. I hope they find a partner that will take care them as I do. However, they will be taught how to take care of themselves.

So far, they have cleaned their room, the twins room, two loads of laundry, and emptying the dishwasher. They still need guidance and supervision to get them through this day.

Don’t worry, I’m teaching them life skills. They now know how to correctly load a dishwasher (more than hubby does), do their own laundry, and which cleaners are for what jobs. They also learned that trying to do these chores with twins around is hard and almost impossible. Maybe by the end of the day, they will appreciate what I do for them a little more.

So I traded my “stress free” school day for teaching my boys how to be men! (And hopefully, a clean house!) Luke (9) and Ronin (7) are getting old enough to start doing their own laundry and maybe even the dishes. I think I need to amend my chore chart and give them specific chores.

I really hope that they can continue  to do chores when they go to their dads’ houses. I doubt that they will because Luke and James (4) are only children at their dads. And Ronin is practically an only child, his brother and sister are basically adults. I will have a talk with the dads the next time I see them.

They need to start learning responsibility now, so the don’t grow into spoiled ass holes as adults. The world will not hand them clean clothes. The world will reward hard work and responsibility.

Thanks for reading today! I hope you have an awesome day.

Posted in Family Issues, Parenting

Why are little boys so Destructive?

To quote the hilarious stand-up of Louie C.K. “Boys fuck shit up!”. My little boys have become increasingly destructive and wasteful. They are absolutely driving me crazy!

In the last 2 weeks they have destroyed; a pool noodle, a baseball bat, a fancy sprinkler head (one of the fun, wacky ones), and my DVD player. These are the things I’m aware are broken.

There is a very good chance most of their toys are destroyed down in their play room. Last time I went down there to clean up, they had ripped all my Star Wars posters off the walls. To make matters worse the older boys are rubbing off on the twins. The twins, are the ones that broke my DVD player. They learned how to open and close the door. They are like moths to flames when it comes to my electronics! The player still works, but there is a piece missing, of course.

Anthony (1) has already broken 2 of my favorite Star Wars mugs, and a couple glasses. He also toilet papered my house the other day. Did you know that a brand new roll of toilet paper stretches from my bathroom into my kitchen and around into the living room? I didn’t either, until Tuesday. I probably could have gone my whole life without knowing that. He also learned how to throw! I am trying desperately to keep the few nice things I have safe from harm.

James (4) isn’t helping my situation of frustration at all. He decided to draw, with a red Sharpie, on my dining room table! Yay! He also tried to lie about it when I caught him with literally, a red hand. He was playing outside yesterday, in my BBQ ash. Filthy! I threw him in a bath with a brand new bottle of wash. After cleaning out the tub, I realized he used the ENTIRE bottle! Awesome, I was just thinking we should waste a whole bottle of anything. (Because I’m made of money!)

The twins are not eating as well as they need to be either. They will eat most of their food and give the rest to the dog. Of course the dog loves to eat eggs and bread and whatever else they drop on the ground. He doesn’t like bananas though! Have you ever stepped on a banana in bare feet? It’s a terrifying thought, “What did I just step in?” Gross!

I have 7 people to go pick up after, so I’ll end here today. Thanks for reading!


Posted in Family Issues, Parenting

Where is…?

Since I am the only person in my house that picks up, I’m the only person who knows where shit is. At least once a day someone asks me where something is. Lucky for them, I usually know or have an idea where it is. That is until I need something for me, then I have no idea.

If I leave hubby at the house with the twins, I always get a text or phone call about where something or the other is. It’s kinda frustrating.

*Beep*- Where are the bibs?

-They are in the twins room, on the changing table, in a basket.

*Beep* Thanks

But I can never find anything I need, when I need it! Where is my nail polish remover? I looked up in the closets on the highest shelves, in the bathroom cabinets, under my bed. It’s gone forever. The twins (14 mon) got a hold of my deodorant a couple weeks ago, I spent three days searching for it. On the third day, I was looking for a missing bottle, and my deodorant was under the bunk beds in my boys’ room. We are still missing a remote, I have no idea where it went.

Don’t get me started on shoes! Everyday, I tell my boys to put their shoes by the front door, so we know where they are. Inevitably, there is one shoe downstairs, or the bathroom. (Thanks, twins!) They are fantastic at moving stuff around! And why can’t children and husbands, move things when they are looking for something? They open the door, glance in, and yell, “I can’t find it!” Just look!! It’s right there!

James (4) is the absolute worst about locating items. Especially, his shoes, pants, and water bottle. He takes one shoe off in one room, and the other is somewhere else. He can’t keep track of anything. Then he wonders why I start telling him to find his shoes 20 minutes before we have to leave to pick up the older boys. I tell him to go look in the basement, 10 minutes later he comes back up with toys! “Are your shoes down there?” “No, I couldn’t find them.” I went down the stairs and turned to the left, his shoes were right there, in plain sight!

When I need to find something, I don’t think about that item. It sounds weird but helps sometimes. For example, if I’m looking for the remote, I’ll think about finding bottles. Sometimes it works, sometimes not, but I can never find what I’m looking for. So I try to look for something else.

Well, I know I’m not the only mom that goes through this. Thanks for reading today!



Posted in Family Issues, Parenting

Nap time!?

My twins are finally on a good nap schedule, it took me 14 months, but I did it. They are down to one nap a day already and I get really excited when the clock hits 1130. If only because they stop screaming for at least an hour!

Sometimes, during nap/quiet time, I read or watch TV on the couch. I usually do the chores that are difficult to manage when the twins are awake and about. Emptying the dishwasher, laundry, sweeping, showering, shit like that.

Today, however, I had a massive migraine. I couldn’t see hardly at all and was feeling really nauseous. I put the twins down for their nap and turned on Finding Dory for James. I decided I had to at least lay down for a few minutes. I got about an hour of sleep, before someone banged on my door! Every time I try to lay down someone shows up. It’s the most frustrating thing every!

My twins haven’t slept through the night in the last 3 days, I have no idea why, but Mama needs some sleep too. After I put all my rugrats to bed at 2000-2030 I try to relax and catch up on some shows with the hubby. Every now and then I’ll clean up, but I usually just want to relax. Last night I took a bath because I was so stressed out.

I’m stressed because my twins SCREAM when they don’t get their ways. Anthony screams like a Nazgul and Samantha is just incredibly loud (like her Mama). The screaming eventually stops when Daddy comes home and pays attention to them. It still makes my day a lot longer than it needs to be.

They are also fighting and biting each other. Anthony is super mean to his sister, he’ll snatch the bottle or binky right out of her mouth! Pulls her hair and pushes her down. Half the day I feel like a UFC referee and the other half I’m trying to breathe so I don’t lose my cool. I know this phase won’t last forever, but that’s not enough hope sometimes.

Next week starts spring break for the older boys and, in theory, they should be able to help play with the twins. Or they might make the screaming worse. In either case, I won’t have to wake up earlier than the twins every morning to get the boys ready for school. Here’s hoping for a little more sleep!

Thanks for reading today! May sleep find you when you can!

Posted in Family Issues

How much do they eat?

Coupon Day

Feeding a family of seven has become an art form for me. I do not have a big budget, so I need to get creative. It takes me at least 2 days to prepare for my monthly shopping trip.

Day 1: I clean out my pantry, refrigerator, and freezer. The freezer is generally empty by this time because we eat everything. I start making my list of the things I will need within the next month. My list is generally a whole sheet of paper long. If I find a coupon for something, it gets a star next to it.

Day 2: Is coupon day. I pour over all of the coupons I can find and start clipping. I also use the digital coupons my local chain provides. I wish I was an “extreme coupon-er” but I don’t have the patience. I still do pretty well on saving. I would probably do better if I went to different stores to get different sale items, but everything is pretty close to the same price.

I find really good coupons, from time to time, like $4 off when you buy 2 and of course BOGO. Even if I don’t need shampoo and conditioner at this moment, I stock up. It doesn’t go bad and we will definitely use it eventually. I found two BOGO coupons today for baby wash and butt paste. (I don’t need it now, but I definitely will before too long.

I also break down my coupons by department. Meat, health and beauty, produce, frozen, dairy…etc. It makes it a lot easier when I forget exactly how many/brand I have the coupon for.

So here is how I do it. As many of my readers know, I use for essentials like toilet paper, paper towels, and cereal. Anything bulk is fantastic for me and my family. They eat a lot. I always put the order on my phone, but I don’t purchase it right away. (Sometimes, it’s cheaper to buy 2 of something on sale with a coupon.) Since I can’t buy fresh or frozen food there I still need to physically shop.

Last month, my sister came with me on my shopping trip. She made fun of the fact that I bought 5 dozen eggs, all the value packs of meat I could find, 10 lbs of rice, and 3 gallons of milk. Since the twins are no longer on formula (thank God) we drink a gallon of milk a day! I buy as many as my already full buggy will let me. Hubby’s pay checks go to bills and all of the vices we use throughout the month. And always more milk. We had 2 very full buggies and I spent $350, I saved $122 with all the coupons! That’s a mom win if I’ve ever seen one.

I also buy my veggies frozen. Every night for dinner my family gets a home cooked meal that includes meat, veggies, and a carb. We eat as healthy as I can afford, and that is getting pretty healthy. I also buy the fresh veggies for salads and stews or soups. I’m hoping this summer I won’t have to buy as much because I’m growing some veggies from seed. So far I have a nice looking cucumber plant, tomato, jalapeno, peas, and a lot of fresh herbs. In theory, I should save a little bit of money.

I’m no expert, but here’s my advice for feeding a giant family on a budget:

  • Use the coupons
  • Make your list and know where the deals are
  • Stock up on what you can
  • Generic is fine
  • Freeze meat so it lasts longer

I hope this helps someone out there, thanks for reading today!

Posted in Uncategorized

Want to go down Memory Lane?

A while back I was cleaning out my basement and I found a couple old shoe boxes full of pictures. Remember the time before the digital age? We had cameras that required film and needed to be developed. Once we got the film developed, we looked at are pictures and memories. Some were put into frames, the others went into an album (if you had one) and most wind up in the shoe box.

Yesterday, I got really bored during nap time and decided to look through my memories. I had pictures of old friends and saw the transformation of myself in high school. There were prom pictures and pictures from trips I’d taken with the marching band. That’s right, I was in the Denver Citywide Marching Band. I played trombone (nerd alert!) And I’m extremely glad I did because I made so many friends, that were lost in time. The digital age brought them back. Social media has brought a lot of long lost friends back into the everyday. I have a thousand pictures of myself and my horn.

I remembered all the hard work, learning the music, the steps, the movement. The feeling of hitting the mark and creating the shapes for the halftime show. The endless hours of marching in the hot summer sun. But mostly, I remembered the friendships. The heartaches we all shared, and the love we had for the music and each other.

download (1)

Then, there were pictures from JROTC. That’s right I did that too. I worked all the way up to Lieutenant Colonel and Battalion Executive Office. Apparently I really loved to march! Those friendships have also lasted longer than I ever thought. We are grown up and most of us have kids and families. A few of them are god parents to some of my kids.

I’m extremely grateful that I found these groups that accepted me for who I am/was. Without sooo much marching in my life, I would be lost and friendless. The pictures showed me finding the person I would become even 15 years later. So whether you remember the skinny, bald headed, wanna be punk girl or the “responsible” Lt. Col, I’m still me. Now I use the skills of leadership with my family. And the art of music to keep me sane. I love you all!!!

Thanks for reading today, I hope you have an awesome day!

Posted in Family Issues

One Year?

I have officially been blogging for one year. I’ve ranted and raved, cried and laughed, and let all of you get to know the real me. So I want to thank all of my readers for the support. This blog has been a kind of therapy for me. I don’t really have a theme and I haven’t been posting as much as I used to, but thank you for reading!

Now, lately I have been extremely lonely. How can I be lonely without ever being alone? I have visitors from time to time, and that’s a nice distraction but I’m bored. Maybe not bored, but fucking tired. Whatever it is I’m over it.

I do everything for my family. Laundry, cooking, dishes, blah, blah blah. Do you know what I get in return? Disrespect! My boys decided that it’s ok to sass me know. I can put up with a lot but I’m really sick of it.

For the last four years my husband and I have watched the entire Lord of the Rings extended edition for Valentine’s Day. We still haven’t watched it this year. The twins weren’t feeling well this last week. I think they are teething again, at least their diapers would suggest they were. It was a miserable week. I was shit on three times and had to do a bunch more laundry.

I miss sex. Do you know how hard it is to find the time (or energy) for it with FIVE kids? It’s ridiculous! By the time all the kids are in bed (and asleep), we are so exhausted we can barely make through a 30 minutes episode of The Office before we are both pasted out and snoring. I love my husband and it’s not just his fault. I fell asleep on the couch one night and sometimes he falls asleep in his chair. I just need a few more hours in the day. Maybe I could sleep or shower, have naughty fun. But there isn’t anymore time in the day.

I’m sorry this post is all over the place. I’m trying to give up smoking for Lent and it’s not going very well. I have only had one pack since Wednesday, so that is an improvement, but man, I could really use one right now.

Well I won’t bother you anymore with my problems today. Thanks for reading!