Who runs your house?

I would love to sit here and blow the same smoke up your ass that I do mine everyday but, I don’t run my house. I tell myself I do, and it looks like I do. I mean, I do all the shopping, cleaning, cooking, and management of the house but I don’t run it.

I’ll tell you who does run my house, My Kids!

They are the reason I wake up in the morning, and not the “oh, how sweet” crap. The time. I set alarms when my kids have school, I rarely hear them because my twins wake up before that. They also don’t let me sleep through the night, or nap. So they rule my sleep schedule.

I’m also a smoker. I don’t smoke in the house, so I have to go outside. It’s a nice little five minute break, right? No… They are at the window banging on it and asking me questions I can’t hear. Today, I looked up and the twins were butt naked. In three minutes! It seems like every time I take a five minute break, I come back into a huge mess of some kind. And no, I’m not going to quit, so save your breathe.

“Oh, Mama, did you need to take a poop? Lemme help you!” Contrary to popular belief, I can do that by myself. By the way if you leave your phone, I’ll throw it. Drink will be spilled and the remote will be missing! Yay, pee breaks.

“Were you trying to watch this movie, Mama? Let me make as much noise as possible until you pause it. When you pause it, I will be quiet, I promise.” Four hours later, I’ve finished a 2 1/2 hour movie. Meanwhile, I watched 3 hours of Paw Patrol before I started my movie.

I have to inform guests to keep all their shit with them, or put it up high, because my twins will go through your shit. Now, I don’t really care, but I’m sure you do. They stole a gift card out of my sister’s purse a while ago and I happened to find it. (I gave it back, not my style of store.)

Last night, I was getting ready to take a nice hot bubble bath. The tub was almost full and I was getting a towel. I glanced into the twins room, and there was Anthony, butt naked and shit all over the floor. Of course he pooped into a brand new diaper, took his pajamas off, and threw everything on the floor. So I cleaned it up while my bath got cold.

“Did you want this nice (fill in the blank), Mama?” Too Bad!

My older boys are on spring break this week, and maybe that’s part of the frustration I’m having. I’m also really tired. I will maintain the lie that I run my house, but I’m happy I realized the truth.